Pain is inevitable, at one point or another you’re bound to get hurt. At times, a person becomes the source of bad happening to you, so you focus all your anger and energy on that person. Are you guilty of this charge as well? You curse them, despise them and ask yourself, “How could he/she? After all that I have done.”
The saddest truth is; you are the one who becomes your own worst enemy; you hurt yourself. It may seem rather far-fetched right now, but just give it a thought. You meet someone, you become friends, that person is super nice, you’re happy, you start expecting him/her to be the same like this and to treat you the same way. You build impossible scenarios in your head where you expect them to bring you the moon and the stars. Somehow, you forget that people are imperfect; they are unable to fulfill the standards you set for them. When such a thing happens, your brain starts thinking where you went wrong. You inflict pain upon yourself. Here is where you went wrong:
Expectations Lead to Pain
When you expect something from someone, you’re putting yourself up for heartache. That is because a person is detached or not connected to your thoughts about them. They cannot always treat you the way you wish to be treated. Even if you treat them exceptionally, they may only treat you commonly. Expecting equal treatment from them is almost a joke. You become vulnerable to pain.
Perhaps, it becomes hard not to expect at all when things are going so well, but you can at least try to expect a bit less. Try not to build a perfect image of that person; the way you want them to be after all they’re not a puppet. Accept them the way they are and be with them as they are with you. That way, you will face fewer disappointments and have lesser pain in life.
If you still are unable to give up the habit of expecting, channel all your expectations towards yourself. If you expect love, love yourself as much as you want others to love you. If you want respect, give yourself the respect you deserve. Whatever kindness you do, try not to expect anything in return for it.
You may believe that your friend would stand by you when you need them and it may even be true. However, if you think that he/she will always be there for you and ready to help you at all times, you are living in a bubble. When it bursts, it will pain. At one point or another, your friend will let you down. He/she may have had never disappointed you in the past. Nevertheless, at a certain point, one of you will lose touch, e.g., when you get married or if you start a new job. To sum it up; you may be important for him/her right now, but for how long?
Therefore, it is important to learn to survive on your own, to see yourself as a complete person. This does not simply mean not to ask for help when needed, it means to be okay if no one is there to help you. It means you will be there for yourself.
Not Putting Yourself First
Are you one of those who is always ready to put others needs before yours? If yes, you may feel tired of making so many sacrifices and not getting much in return. Unknowingly, you are draining your energy by constantly making others happy and forgetting about your own happiness. You are sentencing yourself to a life of pain. If such a friendship or relationship ends, it hurts even more because you gave them your all.
So, always put yourself first. Putting yourself before others means to love and care for yourself. It means to respect your boundaries and not let anyone else cross it. You should be able to say “no” when you want to without feeling guilty. Never allow anyone or anything to destroy your inner peace. Sometimes it’s okay to deactivate Facebook, to switch off the phone just so you can recharge yourself. The key is to do what is good for you and your body.
Make yourself a priority in every relation. This will also give the other person space to enjoy their alone time. In the end, both of you will be able to perform better because you won’t be worn out or cranky.
Often you have been wishing, waiting and wanting someone for so long that you ruin everything before it begins. You destroy it by over thinking, planning every moment and forgetting to enjoy the moment.
Try not to plan for many years ahead. Not everything has to go as you wish. It may even be better than you hoped! So, just take a deep breath and go with the flow. Nothing lasts forever so just enjoy what you have right now. Live every moment as it passes without worrying about the future or regretting over the past; both of them are not in your control.
Playing the Victim
When things don’t go your way, you open the long lost file of “everything that ever went wrong”. You assume that life should be fair, which is not a mature way of thinking. You feel bad for yourself thinking that life is unfair to you even though you’re a nice person. You become stuck in this constant loop without making any progress.
Although you may not be fully responsible for what happened, it is always good to ask yourself if you played any part in it. This will allow you to own up to your mistakes and take responsibility for your actions. So in the future, you will be more aware of the control you have over your life. This will mean lesser pain.
In search of advice and approval, you allow too many ears to listen to your story. In reality only a few actually care about you, the rest are either curious or jealous. They might even try to ruin your relation deliberately by giving bad advice or saying something hurtful.
It’s better to trust no one instead of trusting the wrong person and regretting later onwards. Always be very careful while trusting and opening up to people.
Sometimes in a relationship or an extremely close friendship, you start to feel like you have a say in everything the other does; they are obliged to ask for your permission. You get angry, feel pain, and disappointed when they don’t follow your advice or do as you say. This leads you to the belief that they don’t care about you because they’re not accepting the life you have planned for them.
However, the truth is, a person is not bound by the rules you set for them. At times, they will make their own choices even if you disapprove of them. You may think you know what is best for them, however, they may not agree with you. Trying to control someone only pushes him or her away from you. A person is like a bird, no matter how beautiful their cage is, all they want is to be free! So set them free!
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